Bad habits.

I have spent months waiting for you. Dreaming about you. Praying for you. But you didn’t come.

I now spend days seeking validation from people I don’t even care about. Wishing that I meet someone like you.

My happiness is now momentary, single mention of your name, reminds me of the void.

I am spending nights in smoke. It has stopped working now. What is smoke, there’s a raging fire inside me!

Please make me forget him, I pray.

I don’t love him, I don’t want him, I tell myself.

Till I fall asleep

And the thought of you, ends the day.

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Why is change so difficult?

Changing yourself or welcoming it is difficult. We are consumed by a lot of what ifs.

What if I let this go and don’t like the new identity.

What if the new identity doesn’t serve my dreams.

What if I loose my values and my people.

It’s a constant struggle.

You have to eventually let EVERYTHING go.

THINGS.

PEOPLE.

EMOTIONS.

But the most difficult is, letting yourself go. Or rather, the rigid opinions you have about yourself.

We define ourselves by some qualities. This is done on the basis of what others have told us, on the basis of what is expected of us.

Like the 15 year old me did.

I am

Intelligent

Introvert

Honest

Ugly

Short tempered

We shut ourselves in a box, where these qualities serve as the locks. But here the self imposed captive holds onto these locks dearly, even though he feels pressurized, claustrophobic.

Vo dabba hi hamara vajood ban jata hai.

Life keeps presenting us with opportunities to get out of that box, to explore.

More often than not, the first opportunity arrives in the guise of first love. It shakes up our world, makes us feel things we have never experienced before. All that turbulence breaks open the locks. Maybe I don’t have to be this person. Maybe I can be someone else, and still be happy.

Ah, but first love. We all have been there. We get so busy enjoying the sunshine and the flowers, that we never notice the thorns creeping up.

So the captive, with pierced and bleeding feet returns to the box, crouches in, vowing to never leave.

But now the box has become smaller and darker. His head doesn’t fit there anymore. It becomes more painful because now he can see everything that lies outside. “These are just distractions.”, he tells himself and closes his eyes.

He is holding onto something that no longer serves any purpose. He is starving his soul. It starts rotting.

Death, then, becomes the final act of letting go.

Let you go

Our love was visually appealing. He was gorgeous. We were surrounded by the magnificent mountains. The weather was poetic. When it rained, the smell of it with his arms surrounding me intoxicated me. The sky was always so beautiful. We walked and talked, about the stars and galaxies inside our heads. We listened to sufi songs and ghazals. I was living my teenage dream. I put flowers in his hair, he put in mine. I sent him sand from the beach I was visiting. From letters and video calls to my first snowfall. Our love was pure and innocent, but sometimes it felt that our souls were on fire.

But He didn’t fit in my NORMAL life. And I felt that I didn’t fit in his. The life without mountains and snow and rain and polaroids and ocean. The life which was monotonous, where I was always running, where I was a different me. We were perfect when it was just the two of us. But when with friends/acquaintances/family, either his or mine, I found it difficult to connect.

The heartbeats still raced fast but not with the joy of first love. There was suffocation. Insecurities. Possessiveness.

When he was not with me, I felt like falling in love with him was my biggest mistake. I felt that this love is too good to be true. This is not real. But when with him, everything still felt so right.

So, I became desperate for his presence, to remind myself that I’m not hallucinating, that those days in the mountains did happen.

I became clingy. I held on too strongly. You left.

For months, moments spent with you kept coming to me in my dreams, like the stills from a favorite movie. Blue flowers, the green bench, the purple nails, the brown eyes, they were not leaving me. My existence became so full of grief, that there was no place left for sanity.

But I made space.

I wrote.

I breathed.

I let it all go,

Just like I let you go.

‘What’s true love for you?’

I recently watched ‘Norwegian wood’. It is probably the first time I watched a foreign language movie. I did, because I wanted to read Murakami, but didn’t have the money to buy the book. I couldn’t stop thinking about the preview I read on Amazon, so I decided to atleast watch the movie.

It broke my heart. Had me glued.

I was rooting for Naoko to come out of the darkness, to start living with Watanabe, a happy ending is all I wanted. But the shot of Naoko’s legs, hanging from a tree, broke me.

Though the ending was open to interpretations, I like to believe that it was happy.

I spent the entire day, daydreaming. Pinterest is my new obsession. I was reading and re reading its dialogues. The visuals were so hard hitting.

It’s weird that I was so focused on Naoko-Watanabe’s story, that I really didn’t consider Midori to be a serious character. But after watching the whole movie, I revisited her scenes, her personality, her naughty smile, her unique sadness and her dreams.

A scene which stuck with me is when Watanabe asked Midori, what love means to her.

Personally I couldn’t relate to her reply. I thought it was selfish, but who am I to judge! Everyone has such weird ideas of love and life, maybe that’s why, we are all so unhappy.

“What does love mean to me?” , I asked myself.

After coming up with lies I had told others to sound acceptable and normal, I reminded myself to not let others’ judgements affect at least my thoughts. I can have my own opinions and meanings which may seem weird/ sad/ depressing or even selfish. But that’s just how my mind functions. That’s just what my heart wants.

‘Love is a lot of emotions which make you restless until you express them to that significant other. Until you see him, meet him, talk to him, touch him. But when you finally do, that restlessness is replaced by calmness and peace. With trust and comfort.

It’s a lot of emotions which overpower all other negative ones like jealousy, envy, anxiety, ego, self doubt. It empowers you. It breaks your facade. It breaks your heart and also makes it beat faster.

It pushes you towards your destiny.’

My idea, I think, is very abstract and also very romanticized. There is a hint of sadness in it. But it aligns with my idea about life.

We are souls on a mission, fueled by love and passion.

All that I want is

Rainy days and you

Daisies and the dew

The smell and sound

Joy that is old and newfound

My hand and yours

Passion and pure

My camera and your face

Jump and chase

Coffee or maybe tea

Cake or maybe a cookie

Mountains and the trees

A warm hug and the cold breeze

Smiles and laughter

Staring and hearts beating faster

Content and grateful

Rainy days and you.

Bad dreams

Will you say something!

Appear out of this darkness,

It engulfs me,

It scares me.

What if I am stuck here for life!

What if I don’t find the way!

What if I don’t like the way!

I blink.

I see light.

It’s not you,

It’s blinding,

It doesn’t let me sleep.

It’s the light of all those dreams,

I gave up on,

All the hearts I broke,

All the chances I missed.

Why does it still glow,

So bright!

I blink

There is a fire,

It’s red and orange and yellow,

But why is there no warmth?

Just deadening cold!

I pull up the blanket,

It’s heavy,

I am burdened,

Like stones placed on my heart.

I blink.

There is water in my room,

Where has the fire gone!

The water level is rising.

Why am I not trying to run away!

Why am I staring at the wall!

Fight, girl!

Save me, I plead.

I blink.

There is darkness again,

But it’s more melancholy.

Because now I have seen the light.

I close my eyes ,

Wishing I could see the light when I wake up,

Promising I will trust and chase it this time,

Alone,

Wishing I would not wait for you this time!

Take me home.

Oh,I am so confused.

Who am I ?

Am I the people I follow on social media?

Am I the materialist person who just wants to collect more and more things, but is lazy to work for them, so says that things/money don’t matter?

Am I the exercise/dance videos I watch?

Am I the makeup tutorials?

There is so much being fed to us.

People being perfect,

Working hard,

Achieving their dreams,

Enjoying the fruits of their labour.

It’s depressing.

It is supposed to be motivating. But it’s not.

Why can’t I be more like them?

Why can’t I be more like the cool people, the successful people, the people who act/dance/sing/paint/write?

Why am I this boring person?

If these are the things I want, then why do I feel so hollow when I try to change myself? I feel so fake. Sometimes happy, but that happiness is so short lived. So fickle.

When I meet my older acquaintances who don’t know the new me I am in the process of becoming, they keep talking about the old me, how they admired me.

You know this is the thing, there were times when I yearned for acceptance and appreciation from others. I have it now.

But I am failing at accepting myself. At loving myself. I have come so far, pretending to be someone else, that I have lost my way back home.

I still want the same things I did when I was a kid, but the qualities that will lead me to it, I have lost them in the way by ridiculing them.

“Who cares about intelligence.

Everyone can be hardworking.

Marks don’t matter.”

I considered all the qualities I had, useless.

I wanted to be different.

And now I want to go back. To the start.

It’s weird how I am struggling to get myself back.

If that is the real me, it shouldn’t have been so difficult. It’s a constant tug of war!

Am I too late?

Should I change my dreams?

Should I give up?

And Chemical X.

Now I know what’s the obsession with coffee!

I was studying yesterday. Had a pending to-do list. I was feeling so sleepy, that had I shifted from my table to the bed, just sat on it, I would have dozed off.

Thinking about your bed when you are supposed to be making sense of the geopolitics happening in Asia, won’t get you too far!

So, I got up.

Made myself a cup of coffee.

All water.

No milk.

Little sugar.

Finished it.

Resumed studying.

I no longer felt sleepy. But it was as if my eyes were open, but my mind wasn’t. I was reading but not registering even a single fact.

“Half asleep- Half awake is still better than Full asleep”, I told myself.

After about half an hour of this struggle, my mind came back on track.

I checked off my to do list way before time.

So I had time left to meditate.

I even did a little skincare routine.

I still had time left.

So I decided to sleep early.

” Gotta fix that sleep cycle”

I had coffee at around 2 pm.

I laid down in bed at 11 pm.

It is 3:30 am now.

AND I STILL CANNOT SLEEP.

WHAT THE HELL DID I PUT IN THAT GODDAMN COFFEE!

A new haircut

I met 2 of my best-friends last week. It was a good day. We played silly games, had good food, great laughs, bitched about old classmates, clicked goofy pictures.

When I came back home, I was tired. But my brain wasn’t. So, it started. The overthinking. Overemphasizing every little ‘mistake’ I made.

How I almost broke a glass in the café.

How my neck looked tanned in the photos.

How I laughed so hard, that food came out of my mouth.

How I spilled a tiny bit of food on the table ( Yes, I am very bad at handling food).

How I crouched on my chair.

I convinced myself that my friends don’t love me. They pity me.

‘ You are so cute ‘ , they always say. Cute is their synonym for stupid/weird.

” I don’t know how to conduct myself. I talk too fast, too much. I should be quiet. ”

While I was busy in my self harming self talk, I turned my head. I saw my reflection in the mirror. It was a different me. With a new hairstyle. I had bangs.

I GOT BANGS!!

My mother told me not to get them as they would make my face look even more round and small. A lot of websites agreed. A friend told me to let my hair grow longer. But I went ahead and did it anyway.

“You only live once”

Yes, that’s what I told myself. I have ridiculed so many teenagers of having ‘YOLO’ as their bio on instagram. Turns out, its the only life mantra you need.

I closed my eyes and reminded myself of such similar moments of courage (as stupid as it sounds, a new haircut needs courage.)

The 1 thing that remained constant in all those moments was the support of my loved ones. My family/siblings/friends. The 2 people here, featured in a lot of them.

Self doubt can so easily turn into doubting others, questioning their love. “How can someone love me!”

You are always striving for perfection. “Only when I will attain perfection, will people be able to truly appreciate me!”

Maybe they didn’t notice all the things I did wrong.

Maybe they noticed only my excitement, and not the glass I almost broke.

Maybe they noticed only my warmth and love, and not the tan.

Maybe they noticed only my laugh, and not the food.

Maybe they noticed only my purple nail paint, and not how clumsy my hands were.

Maybe they didn’t notice my posture, but the new haircut I was getting on that chair.

Or,

Maybe, they notice it all, and still choose to love me.

It’s possible, right?

So shut up Brain, You Know Nothing!

Why do opposites attract?

You meet someone who is the complete opposite of you.

You feel attracted to them. Mesmerised. They open a new world to you.

Listening to their thoughts, their hearts, give you a sense of adventure, thrill.

You feel like you have got the opportunity to experience a different life without having to summon the courage to change yourself.

Sometimes you have the urge to be like them.

Stop.

Spend some more time with them.

Talk to them more often. You start feeling uncomfortable, irritated. You feel like the other person is doing something wrong.

You will realize why you are the way, you are ,and not like them. You realize that their circumstances are so different from yours. Being like them won’t work for you.

We spend so much time blaming ourselves, working on our weaknesses,trying to change.

Our weaknesses exist for a reason. Being our present self works for us. When it will stop working, change will occur, so naturally, that you won’t even realize it.

Stop branding some of your qualities as WEAKNESSES. They are IMPORTANT. They help you to SURVIVE.

It’s only our negative self image that stops us.

Opposites do attract.

Being friends with them teach you a lot.

To be non judgmental,

To love someone no matter how much they go against your set principles,

To realize that everyone has their own problems, even if you were like them, you would still find something to cry about,

To love yourself,

To stand tall and focus on your strengths.

What you will focus upon, will grow. 🌟