I met 2 of my best-friends last week. It was a good day. We played silly games, had good food, great laughs, bitched about old classmates, clicked goofy pictures.
When I came back home, I was tired. But my brain wasn’t. So, it started. The overthinking. Overemphasizing every little ‘mistake’ I made.
How I almost broke a glass in the café.
How my neck looked tanned in the photos.
How I laughed so hard, that food came out of my mouth.
How I spilled a tiny bit of food on the table ( Yes, I am very bad at handling food).
How I crouched on my chair.
I convinced myself that my friends don’t love me. They pity me.
‘ You are so cute ‘ , they always say. Cute is their synonym for stupid/weird.
” I don’t know how to conduct myself. I talk too fast, too much. I should be quiet. ”
While I was busy in my self harming self talk, I turned my head. I saw my reflection in the mirror. It was a different me. With a new hairstyle. I had bangs.
I GOT BANGS!!
My mother told me not to get them as they would make my face look even more round and small. A lot of websites agreed. A friend told me to let my hair grow longer. But I went ahead and did it anyway.
“You only live once”
Yes, that’s what I told myself. I have ridiculed so many teenagers of having ‘YOLO’ as their bio on instagram. Turns out, its the only life mantra you need.
I closed my eyes and reminded myself of such similar moments of courage (as stupid as it sounds, a new haircut needs courage.)
The 1 thing that remained constant in all those moments was the support of my loved ones. My family/siblings/friends. The 2 people here, featured in a lot of them.
Self doubt can so easily turn into doubting others, questioning their love. “How can someone love me!”
You are always striving for perfection. “Only when I will attain perfection, will people be able to truly appreciate me!”
Maybe they didn’t notice all the things I did wrong.
Maybe they noticed only my excitement, and not the glass I almost broke.
Maybe they noticed only my warmth and love, and not the tan.
Maybe they noticed only my laugh, and not the food.
Maybe they noticed only my purple nail paint, and not how clumsy my hands were.
Maybe they didn’t notice my posture, but the new haircut I was getting on that chair.
Maybe, they notice it all, and still choose to love me.
It’s possible, right?
So shut up Brain, You Know Nothing!